We’ve moved.
This new place, in the bougie district of Cihangir, is amazing. Huge windows, comfy rooms, a bathtub (!!! almost unheard of in this country), and, yes, nice furniture.
It’s in a grand old dame of a building that was built in the twenties. It’s warm inside and full of light. The surrounding streets are wide, peaceful and safe. We’re staying here free of charge. And it’s available to me to rent long term at a very affordable price, should I choose to accept it.
I shared earlier that this place belongs to a somone I met on Bumble. In truth, we almost didn’t meet at all. I matched with Askin last September. We did the usual get-to-know-each-other chatting, and he suggested we get together. I agreed, and as an afterthought, asked if he was vaccinated.
He was not.
“Nope,” I thought.
I was still living with my dad at the time, and that, I told myself, was the main reason for my response. In truth, I was afraid. Like so many people, I’d spent the past year on the vaccination train, moving further and further away from anyone who was not.
I told Askin why I could’t meet him. I expected his response to be cold at best, judgmental at worst. But he was was polite and understanding. We kept chatting, about authors we were both into (Johann Hari, Brene Brown), shared beliefs in community building, and common interests in spirituality.
On his suggestion, I started reading Braving the Wilderness. One of its essential messages is the harm of dividing ourselves from anyone or any group of people who disagrees with us. Brene writes that if we all only surround ourselves with people (and social media echo chambers) who agree with everything we believe, we cannot advance towards a more peaceful, more sustainable society.
I thought about all the shaming and finger-pointing I’d seen from both sides since the pandemic began, and how much I had participated in, publicly or otherwise.
I also thought about how my dad wears his mask over his mouth only when he goes out, because it “fogs up his glasses”.
I asked Askin to hang out.
I’m not sure if there had ever been any romantic ideations between us, or if they vanished as soon as vaccines were on the table, but it was clear that we were just going to be friends. And a friend, as it turned out, was what I needed. Askin helped me with legal documents when I moved into my new home. He helped my Syrian refugee friends. Django and I stayed with him in Bodrum, where he lives most of the time, and he showed us around town. We’ve laughed together about dating disasters and been near tears sharing stories of the Gezi Park protests (him) and speaking publicly about sexual assault (me). He's introduced me to writers and thinkers who have gotten me to explore even more about how quickly I have been to cancel someone out of my life because they have different ideologies than me, and how destructive, on a large scale, that way of life is becoming.
There are still many things we disagree about, politically and otherwise. Also, he is a kind-hearted, seeking person trying to awaken.
And so am I. And so are you.
When he found I wanted to spend a month in Istanbul, he offered me this place here, which he usually AirBnbs out for a good amount of money, for the entire month. But I'd already been offered the Purple Palace in Besiktas, and was keen to check out life in more than one neighbourhood. So here we are, for 9 days. And maybe, we might return for longer.
These days, when someone says something I strongly disagree with, I’m trying to listen, and to find out what emotions and experiences are behind their opinion, rather than jump on them, point a finger, or cancel them. When someone disagrees with me, I’m trying to create space where I can be heard, and to compassionately but firmly point out when that is not happening. I know that seeing the world through this lens, understanding that we will never all globally agree on everything but that we all want the same things, and that there are ways of working together and hearing each other, has made me a happier, kinder, more peaceful person.
That started with Askin.
And Brene Brown.
And, goddammit, Bumble.
This pandemic is an exercise in tolerance and understanding. Not trying to change someone’s view which is not possible but explaining how you feel and are affected. Especially hard to keep strong feelings in check when your loved ones are involved. I find I took it for granted that friends and family would feel as I do about getting vaccines so was surprised that some did not. Not many thank goodness.
Your new apartment looks lovely. What a great way to familiarise yourself with the city. Trying different neighbourhoods on for size. Take care.
I met my partner on Match. Funny enough, we had initially met 11 years ago on eHarmony, and neither of us realized this until our “second” first date, 10 years after we parted ways for no particular reason. Long story short, after initially dating, we both ended up in long-term relationships. He got married and became a father. Both of our partners would become emotionally abusive and financially controlling. He separated from his wife, and I left my abuser. We both moved to the same small Ottawa Valley town, and our paths crossed again. He and the kids have been living with me for nearly one year now and I feel genuinely contented in my personal life, chaotic family life and all. Dating apps do suck on so many levels, but sometimes they really don’t!